The Amityville horror: A true story
by Valawenel
Summary: This is written for a challenge at LL, where we had to put Leverage characters in some other book. Amityville horror is a movie based on the book, so here's the result. It's crazy crack fic, written just for fun, so do not expect much :D It's not Beta-ed, because Trappercreekd is in the rival Team and she can't check my LL fics.


The Amityville Horror: A True Story, book by Jay Anson

Demonic Presence, the Master of demonic pig army, checked the list that Jodie, his favorite demonic pig, brought to him that lazy morning. Jodie was very excited – after almost 40 years, the haunted house was sold again. Young black man bought it, Jodie reported, and it wasn't the real family that was moving in, but there were five of them, and house would again be filled with screams and horror.

The list was long and thorough, and every demonic pig was assigned with one copy.

Demonic Presence was satisfied. His pigs knew what to do.

THE TO DO LIST FOR DEMONIC PIG ARMY – V.01

Husband would wake up around 3:15 every morning and would go out to check the boathouse.

Wife had vivid nightmares about the murders and discovered the order in which they occurred, and the rooms where they took place.

Wife would feel a sensation as if "being embraced" in a loving manner, by an unseen force.

Husband discovered a small hidden room behind shelving in the basement. The walls were painted red and the room did not appear in the blueprints of the house. The room came to be known as "The Red Room." This room had a profound effect on their dog Harry, who refused to go near it and cowered as if sensing something negative.

While tending to the fire, husband and wife saw the image of a demon with half his head blown out. It was burned into the soot in the back of the fireplace.

Their daughter developed an imaginary friend named "Jodie," a demonic pig-like creature with glowing red eyes.

Husband would wake up to the sound of the front door slamming.

When closing daughter's window, which she said Jodie climbed out of, wife saw red eyes glowing at her.

Locks, doors and windows in the house were damaged by an unseen force.

Cloven hoofprints attributed to an enormous pig appeared in the snow outside the house on January 1, 1976.

Green gelatin-like slime oozed from walls in the hall, and also from the keyhole of the playroom door in the attic.

Husband tripped over a 4-foot-high (1.2 m) China lion which was an ornament in the living room, and was left with bite marks on one of his ankles.

Demonic Presence sat into the fireplace, closed his eyes, and mentally went through the list. And waited for results.

"Okay, calm down, Jodie! I said, calm down! Say it again, but slowly, please."

"I. Said." demonic pig, with the tears in red glowing eyes, said slowly. "That I went through the vent in order to make some noise, but there was… something!" Jodie chocked. "Demonic blue eyes, glowing in the dark… crawling through the vent, coming closer, and closer, and closer... I'll never sleep again!"

Demonic Presence pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's okay Jodie, don't go into the vents again. What about waking the husband at 3.15 in the morning? Frank?"

Fat demonic pig shook his head. "No luck with that. He's awake every night at that time, and he is drinking."

"Priscilla?" Demonic Presence turned to another pig. "Wife's vivid nightmares about murders?" But even before he saw tears in his pig's eyes, he knew.

"I tried." Priscilla whispered. "But she… she… she started to speak with that terrible wailing voice, something like: Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst! Make thick my blood… and I froze… it's was awful, I…I.. I ran."

„Red room, filled with negative energy and horror?"

„Yeah, right. One of them checked it, smiled, and said there's something very distinctive about that room, and that he'll sleep there. He said it reminded him of something that sounded Japanese."

„Great. Just great. Have you poured green slime around? Desmond?"

„Nope." Desmond murmured. "Young black beat me to it - there's something nasty, sticky, smelly and poisonous all over the kitchen. And it's fricking orange! They are demons, I tell you, demons!"

"Locks, doors, windows, damaged by unseen force?"

"Young blonde is going all over the house and doing that, thank you for asking." Frank grawled. "They are destroying our house!"

"China lion that was supposed to bit their ankles?"

"He tried. He really tried. But he was picked up by husband, examined, and he was told he was the part of some exhibition, somewhere, and he was very expensive and rare, and he just sits there, proud, and won't even look at us anymore."

"Embracing the wife in loving manner? Josephine?"

"She embrased back." Pig whispered. "And asked me why I look so sad, and lonely, and how she can help. So we talked a little and… you know, Demonic Presence, you are really control freak, you know that? Why we can't express ourselves, find our inner worth, and live our life the way we want to?"

"Enough!" Demonic Presence yelled. "Who was in charge of cloven footprints in the garden?"

"Eustachio. We haven't seen him the entire day."

"Okay." Demonic Presence sighed. "We are on a reset. Pull back. We shall find another house. Somewhere far away. Maybe in Portland."

Nate didn't asked Eliot why he changed the menu after he had returned from his walk.

They had pork chops for dinner.


End file.
